Nothing ever changes.

I have nothing left to look forward to in life. NOTHING. In three weeks summer starts and I get to go job hunting daily, and whne I finally do find a job I am going to be working daily just trying to catch up with student loans, trying to pay for a car and a horn and a piano and goddamnit I almost think it would be better to just roll over and die than continue pushing and pushing at a wall that just won't move.

Nothing I do improves. I spend three hours a night, at least four days a week in a practice room but nothing seems to get better. I am always miles behind everybody I know, and it drives me so crazy I don't even know what to do with myself anymore.

And I spend countless hours struggling to comprehend why it is that every person I meet has got the same bullshit face. Nobody is different, nothing changes. Everywhere I look everybody is the same wasted goddamn space.

I still don't get why I can't feel accepted anywhere I go, no matter what I do. There is always fucking somebody, somebody just waiting to shit all over me.

I just, I don't know. Fuck this, there has got to be more to life than just trying to find meaning in life itself - because honestly, lately I can't tell. I need to know when this is going to change, because if I don't even have that to look forward to I just don't know how much more I can deal with.